Transgender Day of Rememberance

     As I set here today just as I have done for a few weeks now in thought.  I have been thinking about what today means and implies.  I have had a tugging at my heart to do this blog and even felt the need to take a moment in silence for those of transgender men and women who have lost there lives for being who they are.  I felt the need to honor today and dedicate this entry in remembrance because I too am a transgendered woman, even if I do say that I am a woman of transgender experience.

     It saddens me that so many transgender women and men have lost their lives because of them working on being who they are.  It saddens me to know we live in a ward that is so full of hate and prejudges.  Through out history women and men have been killed for being who they are, rather they where women, black, gay and lesbian, and even trasgender.  I just hope that transgender woman and men's passing is not going to be in vain and we too will find equality and tolerances amung our peers.

     This is something that needs to come from the homes and not just taught in school.  Unfortunately the subject of transgender is such a taboo because of religious believes as well as lack of knowledge.  The good thing is the internet is spreading the word.  Even I am trying to educate my family and peers and would like to consider myself an advocate  I also want to make a difference in a persons life.  This is why I want to be a social worker with my own business and an advocate as well.

     Blanch, one of the friends that I have known for many years told me that in order for me to advocate and educate people about being transgendered individuals, we need to start with those around us, including family.  This makes a lot of since.  I have been through a lot from being on the streets during the start of my transition to abuse and more.  I have street experience and that is what I want to share.  I should not fear what my family has to think because of my experience.  I probably dated guys more dangerous than some in my family.

     So, this is what I will do.  I will continue educating those around me and at the same time keep those who have passed on in my mind and heart.  I will advocate not only for me but for them as well.  I pray and ask for protection for the rest of us so we can move forward with our lives and be who we are truly meant to be, and that is the best person we can be and be comfortable in our own body to do so.  Until next time....Stay safe and Blessed Be.

Sometimes it is the Little differences that make a difference

     Once upon a time there was this girl who grew up in the wrong body.  She was always unhappy and as a result was a very quite person.  Part of the reason was because she grew up in a country town so small, every one knew who she was and who her parents where.  This girl always swore that she would get out of the town and one day moved to New York City.  After moving out on her on and from one town to another, each one bigger, and then from city to city; she finally made it there.  And that is where the story really began.
     Sitting here on another cold Sunday morning I think about all the changes in my life.  Even though I grew up in  the country it seems it is taking some time for me to adjust back to the country life.  Have I really been away from the country side so long that I it will take time for me to adjust?  I think what my biggest problem is the fact that since Austin TX all the way up to Denton TX, I have lived in cities where there are public transportation.  Now I am in a place where there is none.  Without a car, I don't feel like I am independent enough because I can not go where I want to go without having to ask for a ride somewhere.  Also, when there is no transportation, it is slightly harder to make friends as I had in NYC
     It is amazing how something so small as public transportation can make a difference in a person's life.  Now days you have to have a drivers license and a car if you don't live in a major city.  This is only one thing that can make a difference in someone's life.  Another thing that can make a difference, at least when it comes to someone like me, someone of transgender experience is how well that person is perceived and accepted.  When you live in a small southern town or city, I guess they way you carry yourself is really important and even then you have those who refuse to understand.
      At my new job, I already had someone complain about me.  They did this for no other reason except for the fact that I am who I am.  I am lucky enough to be working with a company that does not tolerate discrimination and is behind me every step of the way.  I am also luck to have a friend and roommate that is supportive and behind me every step of the way.  This incident however, does make me miss my friends.  The ones I made before NYC and the friends I made after.  These friends I can go to with anything and talk and as much as my roommate/friend is supportive sometimes, I feel I can not do that without him feeling I am making a mountain out of a mole hill.
     As I have always said though, I love a challenge.  Because of my love for them is why I decided to move from NYC and back to Texas.  I said I wanted to connect more with nature and I suppose this is one of the reasons, I got the opportunity that brought me to South Carolina.  This journey is making me the woman I am today.  And so I leave you with a quote a made up a while back.  A true Diva is one that can overcome all obstacle and adapt to situations without compromising who she is.  Until next time.....be safe and Be Blessed!!

Country Fresh

     As I set here drinking my coffee I can not help but think how things have lead up to where I am now in this last year.  I moved from New York City to Denton Texas, and worked for CVS and for the State.  I faced many challenges along the way.  One being people talking about me behind my back.  Sort of like my own private paparazzi.  Now, I am no longer living in Denton TX but a smaller town called Seneca, South Carolina.  Not only do I live in a smaller town but I live in the country part of the town.  And this starts a new chapter in my blog....
     I guess in order to talk about what is going on now, I need to discuss how it came to be that I am now living even more so in the country.  While working for the State, I was having problems making my ends meet.  I could pay my rent but not much else.  Not to mention that I was truly unhappy and it felt like my life was literally falling apart.   My mom could not help me, nor my sisters and I didn't have anyone else in my life that where in the position to help me, except for one.  My friend that I met in New York City.  The one that went and picked me up and drove me to Alabama.
     Winston Churchill once said, "A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. "  I think Winston had a point because I have known some pessimistic people in my life and they would look at the difficulties in the opportunity of moving to a new state.  When I realized I had an opportunity to get my life back in order, not only did I grab the bull by the horns so to speak, but I realized I was an optimist. 
This is a time that I can work on getting myself out of debt because I will be helping out my roommate with his mom while he works and work when he was off.  I have to admit though that I am having a hard time getting use to things.  One of the hardest things to get use to is not having a car.  So I can not go where I want to go, do what I want to do and so forth.  Maybe sometime after the beginning of the year, I can get a car.  I have already started working on making friends.  Hopefully this year will be different than the last and I can meet more people.  Either way, I plan on staying more on top of my life and this blog.  Until next time...Be Safe and Blessed Be.


 

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes though the reason is not what we thought.

     It has been a few months since my last blog and not much has happened except for the heat rising to the triple digits...or so I thought.  In the last three months it felt good to know that things where changing in my life and I got my foot into the door working at a great company but then unexpected things happened recently all at once.  All of a sudden I am starting to face what feels like discrimination from my job; my lease is about to expire which means if I stay where I am living now; my rent will go up; and to top it all off, my dog has worms.  Not to mention the financial difficulties I am facing because even though I made more than my last job, it is still not enough.
     They say that everything happens for a reason.  I thought the reason I got my job was to get my foot in the door but I have started realizing that it was a different reason all together I got the job.  To help me see that I am meant to make a difference in peoples lives.  I have since wanted to go back to school for not only my Bachelors in business administration but also for a social worker degree.
     I know I have the knowledge, skills, and experience to work in an office as an administrative assistant.  This is what I am truly wanting to do.  At the same time I can continue with my schooling so that I may be able to advocate and even be a social worker.  Being in an office will give me a since of important because I will not be doing something for someone but will be assisting them by filing, faxing, and what ever else needs to be done.  Doing this may also one day help me be able to transition into my own business venture.
    Right now, I see that I am settling and that is why I am unhappy.  There are many reasons we settle.  Sometimes because we are afraid.  Other times because we don't have the confidence.  And then there is those that we try to please because they don't see your dreams the same way you do and because they settled for unknown reasons, they don't realize the power of passion.
     I had two people tell me over the last few months that if you visualize something,, it will come true.  One person was my older sister and another person was someone I only know through Twitter and who lives across the seas.  These are very wise words and helps me focus on what I need to do.  Perhaps if we all visualized our dreams, and not settle for the way things our, we can achieve our dreams and more people will be happy.  Until next week...Be safe and Blessed Be.

The choices we make

     It has been two weeks and a day since I last posted. Last week because it was a day before a holiday and yesterday, there was no excuse expect I forgot. However, for the last two weeks I have doing a lot of thinking about things. Things that I need to do as far as telling people things that have to do with my life; Things that family members are doing, and so on. These are just a couple of issues or thoughts that are going on in my mind and has been. I have to admit that it can be frustrating at times and it is now even but it all has to do with choices.
     It was once said, "There are always two choices. Two paths to take. One is easy, and its only reward is that it's easy." When contemplating about this, I can understand what this person was trying to say. You can choose who to be friends with, who to date, where to live, where to work and go to school, and to be happy. When it came time for me to be me, I didn't choose how I felt but my choice was to become who I was meant to be and it is my family's choice to accept this or not.
     The easy choice of course would be for them not to accept me but in the long run, who are they hurting? They are missing out on meeting a wonderful woman, aunt, sister, and friend. I have a choice that I actually have to make where my step-father is concerned. I need to talk to him about the changes in my life. The thing is for the last nine years, I have taking the easy choice and wanting others to talk to him about it.  Thinking back about the quote, I know now that the only outcome from that choice was it was easy.  I still face the challenge of talking to him.

     The funny thing is, at the moment I am not the only one that has to make choices.  Charlotte who is in NYC still, has choices that need to be made too.  Hers has to do with her children.  And of course the one thing that I am learning is choices affect more than just you.  What you decide is like a catalyst and of course as I have mentioned in other blogs, this return creates change.  The good thing about all this is that change is constantly happening so my advise to y'all is don't always make the easy choices.  Sometimes challenges make things more worth while and you may learn not only about yourself but also about those around you.

     Until next time......Blessed Be

"It takes a whole village to raise a child?"

     Well another week has came and went and it is once again time for me to set back and reflect on the events gone by.  I have to admit, this has been an unusual week to say the least especially on Saturday when the world was suppose to end.  The one thing that I have realized over the week is that a lot can happen during that time. 

     Tonight on my way home, it was storming so I got a ride from a friend.  Come to find out, she is moving next month to another town and another county next month.  In a way, this is a sad thing because I just got to become her friend and I feel love for her family.  Of course, not only do I feel love from the family but being a single woman, I have realized that I need children of my own to feel what Charlotte from New York, and my friend from here feels.  I have always experienced it second hand but I know my time will come. 

     This brings up a very serious question and even though I believe I have the answer, I have to wonder if everyone feels the same way.  The question of course being, do we need to be with a spouse or in a relationship to have children?  Many people say yes but I believe different.  Part of the reason for me to believe that one can raise a child on their own is because the man I was suppose to have children with turned out to not be as ready as he claimed to be and in the process of proving that, broke my heart.  Also, there are so many single parents and parents who are married but still acts as if they are a single parent.  Raising the children while their spouse works to pay the bills and not asking for much help because they may feel a little intimidating   Of course I can only assume even though there is a saying about assuming.

     This also get's me to thinking about the old African proverb,"It takes a whole village to raise a child?"  Could this be because of the friends of the parents or is it because of family?  I like to think that it could be a little of both.  I have met Charlotte children as I have met my friend from here Julie's children.  I am seeing how they are raised and I understand how friends as well as family can shape them into the people they will grow to be.  Perhaps I am on the right track when it comes to having children and continuing with my own family.  I have got a good job so that I can work on establishing stability in the work place.  I also have my family and I am working towards making good friends like Charlotte and Julie.  Perhaps what I am doing is not only working on myself but creating my village at the same time. 

Until next time...Blessed Be

What can I do to make a difference today?

     Another week has came and went and I have to admit, it was not a bad week at all for me.  Work is going better than expected and I am starting to get use to the tasks at hand.  To me the job is easy just tedious at the same time.  That is ok as long as the time goes by quick and the job get's done correctly.  Like with any job, there are always a few that you wonder about because they do things different but the one thing that you should remember is; it shouldn't matter what anyone else is doing, as long as you are doing the best that you can do.  Because in the end, it all comes down to you and what did you do to make a difference that day or even that week.
     This can be said when it comes to personal life as well.  The person who gave me the bike made a difference in my life.  Now that I have finally started riding my bike it is only taking me 30 minutes to get to work.  Of course it took me a while to figure out the gears on the thing but as mentioned last week, "things have a way of working themselves out"  This week has not only been a good week at work but at home also.  Especially the weekend when I experienced something that was not expected.
     While I spoke to my friends throughout the week in New York City, it was my neighbor that needed my attention.  Actually not really my neighbor as much as his animals.  Again, the question of "What can I do to make a difference?" comes in to mind.  On Friday my neighbor came home after a night spent away, to find a mess that was made by his dogs.  It just so happened that I was walking my dog at the time so I was able to see that he needed something to help clean up the mess.  It also just so happened that I had something that would do the job.  Since I have always felt getting to know my neighbors to be a positive thing this also helped open the door even more to a budding friendship.  Yesterday and even some today, his cats kept getting out so I ended up kitten sitting while he was at work.
     His girlfriend came to his apartment yesterday and I gave her the kittens back but once again, they showed back up at my door while they where away.  When the girlfriend and the neighbor got home the second time I gave the cats back once again but I am starting to wonder how his girlfriend feels about me talking to him on a friendship basis.  I know my limits and am no longer that little girl that does stupid things but does the girlfriend know that?  I don't know about her past, and really am not trying to get to know her past.  I would be willing to get to know her now so she does not make assumptions.  I know from past experience that I would have a problem with my boyfriend talking to a female neighbor but than again, that is why I am single and working on my self esteem and me..  One thing I have learned is if jealousness enters into a relationship, then things become very rocky
     I did realize this week that I have finally started to move on from my ex in New York.  Not enough to be in another relationship but enough to perhaps hang out with someone as a friend, perhaps even go to a movie with them.  The one thing that I will not tolerate though is a guy trying to get my attention on the down low.  If they are trying to be secretive with me than they are not trying to be my friend and not worth my time of day.  Especially when it does not make a difference in my life.  I plan on staying focused, centered, and working on myself with the thought, What can I do to make a difference today?

Things have a way of working out

As I set here with my glass of wine, I start thinking about how the first week of orientation up until today went.  As I set and reflect, I have to admit that this week that has just past was a good week considering I was nervous.  I guess the first thing I should talk about tonight is how my job went because this is vital in my life.  Besides the fact that I had to be at work at 8am every morning, the orientation went well.  I met many wonderful people and even received a bike out of it.  The only thing is, I am yet to learn how to change gears on it.
     For the first week I rode the bus to the last stop which was about 20 minutes from my job.  The one thing I can say about New York City is it taught me not to depend on a car.  The nice thing about Texas though is people are very friendly and offer rides.  Need-less to say, I didn't have to walk much to my job.
     Going to work seemed to be fine but I actually had someone offer me a ride from work.  I of course refused and after I kept thinking to myself how just because someone offers me a ride doesn't mean they want something in return.  Perhaps in New York City it was this way but not here.  At least I hope not.  This could be a chance to meet the people I work with and that is one thing I would like to do is meet more people and make more friends.  I have since taken chances but only from people that I work with and of course I have a neighbor who I am starting to get close to on a friendship level and nothing more.
     The good thing about my job is I am making more than my previous job and I have a feeling I will be out of debt by next month with my everyday bills.  I  am also getting the confidence to talk to the people in this apartment complex and get to know them.  Even though things are going good for me here, I also needed to be a friend to Charlotte in New York.  Things that where going on in her life where bringing her down and causing problems with her and her husband.  She realized that she needed a job but it took me helping her realize that taking a job to help with the bills where fine and everything but she also needed to get one so she can have independence and not have to depend on her husband as much.  Charlotte has always given me strength, it was time for me to do the same for her and I did.
While watching the movie with Julia Roberts "Eat, Pray, Love" there was a scene where she was in search of a word.  So I started thinking of my word and I think my word would be a friend, or even a sister.  It seems I am more of a Diva and if I can learn to balance all those qualities together than I know things will always have a way of working out.
     Until next time....Be Blessed

Out with the Old, In with the New

     Another rainy Sunday and I am setting here thinking about where to begin.  There has been so much going on within this last week.  Some good, some bad, and some just indifferent.  The main thing is, things are not staying the same and of course the one thing that I am finding out is, where there is change, there is also feelings involved.
     For instance, I have been so nervous of starting this new job but at the same time I am excited.  I have been more than ready in fact and perhaps that frustration shown some this last week at my previous job.  The good thing about preparing for this job is it seemed to get me out and I am realizing that I can now socialize with the ones I use to work with.  That in itself is another set of emotions but lets stick with the subject at hand.
     Sometimes when we think about out with the old and in with the new, we think about it just pertaining to one thing but in actuality it could be more than one thing.  After all, change can sometimes be a catalyst that sets more change in motion.  This is basically meaning that since I got this new job, I have been inclined to have more of a social life.  This can also inspire me to "weed my garden of friends" if you will.  This statement in itself brings up the question:

When does a friend become a weed?
When I moved from New York City, I really had to reevaluate my friends that I left behind because I didn't want to get myself in the same situations I was there.  This is why I only think of Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte.  Those where my only true friends in the city.  I also had friends outside the city that I hold dear even though I didn't get to see them on a daily basis.  They are to this day, helping keep me focused and centered.
However, I do have this one friend who has over the years became very opinionated about everything.  The only problem with that is this friend has also had the same thing happen time and time again.  Every time this happens, and excuse and what ever happened is swept under the rug.  As much as I want to continue being there for this person, I am wondering to myself if it is productive for me to do so.  Will this help me move forward with what I am wanting to achieve in my life?  I guess the big question is, how does this friendship affect me; does it help me progress or stay where I am?
     When I think of friends, I think of someone that can offer me advise or me offer advise from but not make our opinion seem like it is the only one.  Since I moved back to Texas, I have became even closer to Charlotte while becoming distant with Miranda.  Samantha is still very busy but I am starting to chat with her when I can.  Even my friends from outside of New York City and I are seeming to stay in touch and they offer words of encouragement when they can.  Only time can tell with my new friend Julie and her sister but they seem to have the good qualities needed in being a good friend.
     I guess I can honestly say Out with the Old and in with the New can be compared to weeding a garden.  At least in one aspect it can.  Life outside the garden can be just as exciting.  I have a good feeling about this new job and as I was saying about change.  It can lead to bigger and better things that can help me accomplish my dreams and goals and live the way I vision it.  Until next time....Blessed Be!

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.”

     Tonight I set and listen to the rain and try to think of a way to make this blog interesting but at the same time reflect on today.  This is something I want to do on a weekly basis.  Once a week on the same day and hopefully around the same time.  So I decided I would Google a quote and see if anything caught my attention.  A Roman Philosopher once said, "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.”  For some reason this stuck out in my mind and so, not only do I find myself reflecting on today but contemplating on this quote.
     When you think about a new beginning, you may find that you have mixed emotions.  That is actually how I am feeling.  For instance, with me starting a new job.  I am both nervous and excited at the same time.  I also am sad about leaving the job I am at, and find myself debating if I am going to leave just yet.  I was nervous about moving down here and meeting new people as well.    As I set here, I am wondering if Samantha, Charlotte, or even Miranda has ever felt this once or twice in their life.
     I have always believed that everything happens for a reason and me reading this quote, actually just tied into my own personal philosophy.  Perhaps, I got the job where I am now to bring me to Texas.  Now I am about to start a new job and this one has finally reached it's ending.  It seems to all be working out the way the universe has it mapped out.  There is little for me to be worried about when it comes to the job because I am doing what I need to do. 
     Today I also took a new step in the social department.  This in my book was also considered a new beginning because I was invited to someones house and I went and had the most wonderful time with her family.  Her name was Julie Granger and she made me feel so welcome into her home.  I don't know what it is but I could see myself being her friend.  It was nerve racking also but if thinking about what the philosopher said, this could be a new chapter in my book of life. 
     When I moved to Denton, I focused on working and securing myself.  Now that beginning is ending as I am starting a new beginning with a new job, it is only fitting that I find a new beginning in my social life as well.  Perhaps, the next beginning will be with my personal life.  Getting over my ex seems to be the hardest ending I have had to face, but if we keep the words of the Roman Philosopher in our mind and heart than we shall see that without the end of a beginning, a new beginning can not begin and we can not move forward with the confidence of a Diva and embrace that new beginning.


Until next time.......Be Blessed!!!

The Bigginings

     I figured today would be my first blog entry since things have finally calmed down.  I guess you can say it has been really hectic for me the last few months.  Now with the calmness and with this entry I can reflect on the events leading up to this morning while also explaining about me.  That will probably be the best thing and starting this blog now is perfect because Summer is around the corner.  It is pretty much safe to say that where there is summer there is friendship ready to happen.
     You see, when I lived in NYC, I had friends but not many and I didn't have my family so it got to the point that I not only felt so alone but I wanted my family as well.  Don't get me wrong, the few friends I did have where great and someone reminded me of the characters from sex in the city.  Let's see....The store manager that hired me became a friend and she was so much like Samantha it was not funny.  Then I had another friend who I met when we where both going to an online collage who reminded me of Charlotte and of course there was even a Miranda even though she was in a wheel chair.  Then there was me, I always felt and related to Carey.  I mean I love shoes.  However, I don't have near as many as she did on the show.
     Unlike the girls of the show, we did not go have coffee or lunch together, we didn't even go shopping because we each had our on lives to live.  Samantha also worked and when she was not working, she was going shopping or hanging out and having a few drinks.  Because she was a store manager though, she stayed busy just with work.  Of course Charlotte had to take care of her family and being the devoted wife that she was, didn't have much time for herself.  Miranda being bound in a wheelchair, not only had to take care of her family but also had dialysis three times a week.  That leaves me, I was so broken hearted because I kicked my ex of four years out and didn't feel like doing anything except for work and go to school.  So you can see how I could have felt lonely and homesick.  After doing much thinking, I remembered my group of friends from Texas and the thought of being back with my family excited me so I made plans to move back to Texas and that I did.
     In November I moved here to Denton Texas.  The great thing about this town is it has both the city and country feel.  I haven't met anyone that I could call my friend here yet but that has something to do with the hectic months that led up to today.  All I have done since I have been back to Texas was work, deal with issues, and visit with family.  Things are going to change soon though I can feel it.  With Summer in the air, and a new job; it is inevitable for things to change...

THIS IS THE BEGINNING!!!